rearranged: (SPN: For The Win(chester)!)
I can't remember the last time I logged in. I've browsed tumblr more, but just barely.

FIRST: My 2015 Reading Challenge. I read 29 out of 50 books. NOT BAD! :) I meant to carry that momentum into the new year... whoops... I should pick up a book tonight.

The rest:

2015 was a painful year that ended with the death of my great-grandma. She lived a long, full life surrounded by the massive family she produced (9 kids, 60some great-grandkids, and several great-great grandkids). I wasn't sad at the time, exactly. It hurt but from a distance, more from the ripples felt throughout the family. I loved her but it was her time and she was ready to go (once she was committed to the nursing home she made sure everyone knew she wanted to die). I am at peace with her passing but more than ever I feel my age and the years slipping by too quickly. Lily will be eight years old this summer. Mouthy to boot, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm proud of her assertiveness and her confidence, even when it frustrates me. Who knew the backtalking began so early?

David and I are still working through everything. He has been going to counseling and trying to work through his own stuff. I've dealt with my problems over the years (no choice after kids + MS). He ignored his. For the first time in nearly a year, I feel okay. I feel like I have stabilized, like I am ready to begin again with the spring and enjoy a fresh start. He's struggling and I have never seen him so vulnerable. I'm trying to be supportive and patient, considering he survived the aftermath of his creation.

I can't remember if I updated last summer [note: I did], but my last MRI indicated that my MS was currently stable. I'm due for another. Fingers crossed. I haven't noticed any major relapses, only minor things (tingles, twitches, heat sensitivity, and a constant, heavy cloud of exhaustion). We'll see. I missed an appointment and need to reschedule. My car has had some issues, his has had several major recalls and will probably have to be sent back to the manufacturer for chassis repairs that involve welding, it's been winter, the kids have been sick.

And if I'm honest, I haven't wanted to go. I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm hiding from the world. I'm overwhelmed with the house, the kids, and the new puppy he brought home (he, of his own will and completely without my input, traded his 9mm pistol for a registered German Shepherd puppy. She's 7 weeks old and super fluffy and cute but... a puppy that will require a lot of vigilance and training and holy shit I didn't need another full time job, man).

I lost two pregnancies last year. I don't want to talk about that but I think I've reached the place where further healing necessitates talking about it. Everything worked out for the best. I'm finally at peace with that, too. I was struggling with finding birth control that worked for me. Sometimes I think that struggle with never end, but the shot I am on now is working as far as I know (I take it every 3 months, I have the name somewhere).

Whew.

Jack's been playing Angry Birds on my phone, the puppy needs to go out, and there is never enough time. I wouldn't have it any other way. <3 I feel good. I am beginning to reach out to my friends again (major goal for me this year). I have to keep the momentum going. Amp it up, even, because the more I socialize, the better I feel.

I'm going to write here more often, too. Get back to blogging, sharing pics of my random creations, and writing fanfic in addition to my WoW RP (the game is paying for itself now--more on that later but I'm keeping a RP blog at daydreamingic.tumblr.com (tumblr is not the best platform for writing, I need to make a duplicate DW/LJ account for that stuff).

I'm alive and I miss you guys <3

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