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the flowers are happy for the waiting

Semi-Friends Only
I'm Brianna. I enjoy music, taking photos, creating art/crafts/anything with my hands. I love to read and write and sketch - fanfiction is my weakness. I dabble in anything that catches my attention. I dig World of Warcraft (FOR THE HORDE!) but I'm on a semi-permanent hiatus from the game. I support the decriminalization and legalization of marijuana. I love the state of West Virginia in all of its wild and wonderful glory, and my favorite memories are set in the New River Gorge. I spend too much time with my partner and our three amazing children, cats, and dog; waste too much time hiking and crafting and writing and browsing the internet. I struggle with clinical depression at times. In August 2014 I was diagnosed with Relapsing/Remitting Multiple Sclerosis. I ramble about all of this at various times.

Who are you?

Everything I post here is crossposted to LJ: [livejournal.com profile] rearranged
Fandom tumblr: pleasetakethis
Updated 11/10/2014.
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Bloodhoof PvE
Carelessly - 85 Troll Priest, mining & tailoring, main
Akaina - 85 Blood Elf Paladin, mining & jewelcrafting
Distantly - 80 Tauren Hunter, herbalism & alchemy
Careening - 65 Undead Warlock, enchanting
Marijua - 6 Orc Shaman

Wyrmrest Accord RP
Kaliskae - 85 Tauren Death Knight, mining & engineering
Ansrae - 85 Night Elf Druid
Maurisette - 85 Worgen Warrior
Caroselambra - 30 Blood Elf Hunter
Luzbat - 16 Troll Priest
Quizkly - Goblin Rogue

RP journal: kaliskae.livejournal.com
RP tumblr: daydreamingic.tumblr.com


7/11/2014: I haven't played since December (can't remember the last time I updated this list), not sure if I'm going to play when the expansion drops or not. I don't have enough time for myself, so I definitely don't have enough time to invest in WoW. I miss it, but I'm not currently playing.

If you're interested in RPing, I'm available and interested. Writing back and forth via Google Docs is my preferred method of RP (my schedule is too weird for IM, in-game RP is out until I start playing again).
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I'm in the middle of moving. So much has changed... I want to write, but I don't. I think of LJ often, of my writing goals, of the downtime I crave so I can sit at the keyboard and let the junk go. Heaps of words, my friends. Heaps.

I've been in a rut but I think the new place will help. There's so much I could say but I only paused to drink a cup of lukewarm coffee... and the packing boxes are waiting.

Moving thought of the day: How did I accumulate so much stuff? I like my stuff, but wow. there's a lot.

Pictures and rambles and more incoming, maybe. If I remember.
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I can't remember the last time I logged in. I've browsed tumblr more, but just barely.

FIRST: My 2015 Reading Challenge. I read 29 out of 50 books. NOT BAD! :) I meant to carry that momentum into the new year... whoops... I should pick up a book tonight.

The rest:

2015 was a painful year that ended with the death of my great-grandma. She lived a long, full life surrounded by the massive family she produced (9 kids, 60some great-grandkids, and several great-great grandkids). I wasn't sad at the time, exactly. It hurt but from a distance, more from the ripples felt throughout the family. I loved her but it was her time and she was ready to go (once she was committed to the nursing home she made sure everyone knew she wanted to die). I am at peace with her passing but more than ever I feel my age and the years slipping by too quickly. Lily will be eight years old this summer. Mouthy to boot, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm proud of her assertiveness and her confidence, even when it frustrates me. Who knew the backtalking began so early?

David and I are still working through everything. He has been going to counseling and trying to work through his own stuff. I've dealt with my problems over the years (no choice after kids + MS). He ignored his. For the first time in nearly a year, I feel okay. I feel like I have stabilized, like I am ready to begin again with the spring and enjoy a fresh start. He's struggling and I have never seen him so vulnerable. I'm trying to be supportive and patient, considering he survived the aftermath of his creation.

I can't remember if I updated last summer [note: I did], but my last MRI indicated that my MS was currently stable. I'm due for another. Fingers crossed. I haven't noticed any major relapses, only minor things (tingles, twitches, heat sensitivity, and a constant, heavy cloud of exhaustion). We'll see. I missed an appointment and need to reschedule. My car has had some issues, his has had several major recalls and will probably have to be sent back to the manufacturer for chassis repairs that involve welding, it's been winter, the kids have been sick.

And if I'm honest, I haven't wanted to go. I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm hiding from the world. I'm overwhelmed with the house, the kids, and the new puppy he brought home (he, of his own will and completely without my input, traded his 9mm pistol for a registered German Shepherd puppy. She's 7 weeks old and super fluffy and cute but... a puppy that will require a lot of vigilance and training and holy shit I didn't need another full time job, man).

I lost two pregnancies last year. I don't want to talk about that but I think I've reached the place where further healing necessitates talking about it. Everything worked out for the best. I'm finally at peace with that, too. I was struggling with finding birth control that worked for me. Sometimes I think that struggle with never end, but the shot I am on now is working as far as I know (I take it every 3 months, I have the name somewhere).

Whew.

Jack's been playing Angry Birds on my phone, the puppy needs to go out, and there is never enough time. I wouldn't have it any other way. <3 I feel good. I am beginning to reach out to my friends again (major goal for me this year). I have to keep the momentum going. Amp it up, even, because the more I socialize, the better I feel.

I'm going to write here more often, too. Get back to blogging, sharing pics of my random creations, and writing fanfic in addition to my WoW RP (the game is paying for itself now--more on that later but I'm keeping a RP blog at daydreamingic.tumblr.com (tumblr is not the best platform for writing, I need to make a duplicate DW/LJ account for that stuff).

I'm alive and I miss you guys <3

I'm alive!

Jul. 29th, 2015 02:29 pm
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My MRI showed no new lesions, so my neurologist said my MS was currently stable. I've noticed more weakness in my eyes, a metric shitton of constant, neverending exhaustion, and I hate being hot. hate. I have never wanted central heat/AC more than I do right now. Our thermostat would be set on 66, if not lower.

There is so much to say (considering I have completely withdrawn from life and and am just now attempting to recover from the aftermath of a really crappy first half of 2015), but I would rather focus my energy on getting the house in order, getting my etsy shop up and running again (earrings and beaded bookmarks for now, since "Bri's Beadworks" still exists despite zero upkeep since Jack was born--it would be a lot easier to restock the store for now than tackle a brand new combo store with all of the crafts I have in mind)...eventually.

I have read 7/50 of the books on my 2015 Reading Challenge list (found on 9gag). Today I finished filling in the categories. Time to read, read, READ!

One post is better than none, right? More next time.
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I had a great moment today. Backstory: his mom and I are moving a row of well-established hibiscus before they start growing, while the ground is super soft. We managed to break the first root ball in half. As I was working on splitting one of the halves, I slipped and fell. There was nothing around me, I fell flat on my back, and I didn't fight it. There was a split-second of awareness as I began to fall (knew I wasn't going to get hurt falling on the muddy grass) and I gave in.

I hit the ground and started laughing. I stayed like that for a few seconds, sprawled on the grass, laughing, red-faced and sweaty and mud-covered. I felt alive.

I am unapologetically happy today and I'm going to write and craft and enjoy this feeling as long as it lasts.
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I saw a "Wordcount Wednesday" post on tumblr that inspired me to think about my personal projects in terms of chores: a little each day to maintain long-term goals. I'm running with the idea of picking different days to track progress on various projects...*opens up a spreadsheet in google docs*

I don't feel like writing about health or emotions. I'm surviving each day after losing weeks to a depressive haze. It's nearly April and I wanted so much more from this year. I turned 30 on the 17th (!!!!). I don't feel any older but I know I am when I grumble from my porch in the direction of the shrieking teenagers wandering down the road ("We were those teenagers once!" I told him. "Someone was probably on their porch glaring at us! One day our kids are going to be those teenagers!" Thus, the cycle of life continues~). Spring is around the corner, David's back on day shift, and I feel like I might finally breaking through. One day at a time.

Part of that is writing and staying accountable. I'm happier when I write. I have several strong SPN story ideas, I've sketched out a few ditties for my trope bingo card, and I'm trying to keep my creative vibe going as long as possible. Being accountable to update friends one day each week might help.

...and maybe posting here will help abate the insane loneliness that has settled in my chest. I haven't worked in 2.5 years. I rarely see friends. I'm pulling away from most social media because it's more of an aggravation than an enjoyment. I've never been an extrovert but being cooped up with family and kids 24/7 will wear anyone down after a few years. I need to make more effort, too. I have comments in my inbox that have been there for a few years. Er. So, maybe it's time to improve my being-a-friend skills and get some karma points?

Sigh.

I want. I spend my days wrangling kids and drinking too much coffee and doodling and trying to stay happy because I'm terrified of MS (fuck you, immune system). David's been great through all of this but I need conversation and --

Jack pooped, gotta run!
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It's the kinda day where I wake up a bit sore after going grocery shopping the night before... and find out the fridge went out in the middle of the night.

AKA: TAX SEASON! The microwave bit the dust last week. I bought a replacement pillow this week. David bought a refrigerator today. I'm glad we had some savings, but bleh.

I've had a few rough weeks. Doesn't help that the weather has been miserable, David's on another 2-3 week stretch without a day off from work, and school has been cancelled for two weeks (they had a half-day yesterday, but it snowed last night again. The highs are predicted to stay within 40-50 next week, fingers crossed all of snow melts before another cold spell).

Going to finish cleaning off the top of the beast so the Lowe's guys can take it with them when they bring the new one. I'm lucky that his mom bought a new deep freezer and that she lives next door. Our perishables are hanging out at her house until our new one arrives.
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I have a million tabs open from digging through stockings at [community profile] fandom_stocking. [community profile] trope_bingo has a new set of mods. I emailed them and asked if I could sign up this round and they said yes. SQUEEING FOREVER, I LOVE MY CARD AND I CAN'T WAIT TO START WRITING:

au: college/highschool time travel wingfic cross-dressing fusion
gender swapped animal transformation slavefic au: coffee shop au: band
snowed in presumed dead WILD CARD bodyswap au: all-human
rivals to lovers secret relationship fake relationship au: steampunk handcuffed/bound together
food porn mistletoe kiss accidental baby acquisition forced to marry au: magic

Here's to putting my free month of Netflix to good use! *cheers* I'm going to indulge myself by reading and writing lots of fanfic. Probably Parks & Rec and SPN, but whatever. :D It's going to be awesome. (I hope to find inspiration at [community profile] fandom_stocking outside of those fandoms)

Quiet time.

Jan. 3rd, 2015 01:39 pm
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I'm going to be absent for a few weeks. I have a free month of Netflix, a few projects to wrap up, some books to read, and emotional crap to sort through. I'm glad the holidays are over, I'm thankful for the new year, but I'm feeling kind of blah and don't have the energy to properly socialize. I want to write letters and make cards, not talk.

I was chatting with a friend on facebook and noticed missing words/grammar issues in my messages, which irritates me to no end. They happen, my text/messager grammar is lazy and conversational at best, but this was stuff I should have noticed. My brain feels like it's shrouded in fog, a headache without the pain. I stumble over words when I speak and forget where I'm going mid-sentence. MS related? Speaking too fast, typing too much too quickly? I don't know.

...maybe today it's an after-effect of Abaddon Aurora (the third and last cat in our household) waking me up this morning by peeing on me. Wet warmth at my back stirred me from slumber, like when one of the kids pees the bed. I assumed it was Jack, glanced over my shoulder and saw a tail straight up in the air and a cat butt against my back. She's a few months old, still a kitten, but geez. It could be marking behavior or it could be a UTI. Vet visit incoming.

I want to write and draw, too. As long as I'm creating, I have a way through this slump. It might take a few days, a few weeks, two months, but I've got this.
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Only a few days left... so much I still need (want?) to do!

1. CLEAN HOUSE! Out with the old dirt, in with a brand new cleaning schedule/routine. I have a brand new set of dishes and towels, time to pack up the old stuff and MINIMIZE. YAY! :D

2. Finish packages! So. Freaking. Close. Tiny bit of sewing, some drawing, maybe a bit of modge podge work, then a trip to the PO on Jan 2. I realize this sounds simple, but my 1 hour projects always turn out to be 5+ hours of work, so. yeah. Time to be realistic about how much time it takes to finish projects (30 Christmas ornaments and cards. Um. Yeah, one evening didn't do it (my 'evening' is two hours after the kids go to bed. I'm coming to terms with that reality).

*rubs hands together*

TIME TO GET STUFF DONE!

Mmmm.

Dec. 21st, 2014 01:22 pm
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I'm enjoying a lazy day. It was warm enough to banish Lily and Trent to the yard for a few hours, so I'm enjoying doing absolutely nothing but chatting with Jack and pretending to clean/sweep.

I have a lot on my mind. I'm not going to dwell, just do, keep moving, trust in this moment. It's all that I have.

Life is good.

:D

Dec. 15th, 2014 08:22 pm
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I love that magical moment when multiple projects begin to wrap up.

I have a few 2015 goals I want to figure out (planning meals, organization, decluttering). I'm excited about the new year.

Now if I could whip up a short trope bingo fic to post during these last two weeks of amnesty. I want to have a chance to participate next year WITHOUT the random mess of medical stuff that cropped up this summer. We'll see. If inspiration strikes, I'm going for it (not including the longer Donna/Jody SPN fic I can't stop obsessingthinking about).

I have a house full of sick kids and I don't know how much time I have until the next one wakes up in tears. Back to sewing!

Card time.

Dec. 10th, 2014 06:58 pm
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Send me a message with your address if you're interested in exchanging holiday cards!
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The kids spent Friday night with Mawmaw, David went to bed early, and I made the decision to wait until Saturday to take my Avonex injection.

I pulled an all-nighter to get ready for the craft fair (note to self: officially too old for that nonsense). I had a great day at the craft fair with Ashley, despite losing $14. She made $13. It was a very slow day. A few other sellers came by to chat, regulars on the local circuit, and agreed. Ashley and I set up at two local craft shows two years ago and a lot of friends and family bought from us, plus strangers (both were a lot busier. We both expected a decent turnout at this one because it was in Beckley, but nope). Currently no more craft shows planned this year, but that could change. This one was a very last minute/rushed decision. I'm going to keep making pet toys, just in case. I churned out a ton of small cat toys (felt fortune cookies, tiny mice, fish, and "rattle" snakes that jingled). Next time I would like to have dog toys, too (fleece tug toys, stuffed bones with and without squeakers), and more cat toy variety (birds, felt feathers, and fishing poles).

I'm still exhausted, despite catching up on my inject and lost sleep last night, but it's been a good weekend.

Now I'm going to rush to plan Lily's belated birthday party this upcoming weekend, invite a few close friends and family members, and then I'm going to get creative and start making stuff for fun. I have a few projects in work for friends, my kids want plushies (they love everything I make. :) Talk about an ego boost!!!), and yeah.

My stepfather mentioned coming over this week to help finish the cat towers (one for us, one for his mother). I put them on an indefinite-but-finished-by-Christmas hiatus when life went haywire at the end of summer. He's trying to get the bottom room finished by the holidays... both downstairs and upstairs are so close to being finished. Spring will make four years. The stress has been a huge strain on David this year, we're both beyond ready to have it finished.

...winter weather is here, boo. My fingers and toes ache? Random, but okay.

David starts night shift tonight, so I'm excited to get the kids in bed, see him off to work, go over my fic, and catch up on my NaNo wordcount. Or play Hearthstone, or cut out pattern pieces, or whatever random thing I decide to do when I sit down to enjoy my two hours of silence* tonight.

(* silence is subjective, depending on whether the kids stay asleep. Last night Trent was up 8 different times, puking)

I'm worn out, the house is a mess, but I feel good. It doesn't get any better than this.
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DONE, DONE, DONE, EXCUSE ME WHILE I DANCE AROUND. I sent it off to be beta read. I still have 20 days to get it back, fix it up, and get it ready for posting (or a second, quick beta read).

I'm not happy with how long it took me to finish this edit, but I am so proud of myself for keeping up my momentum from sewing Halloween costumes and getting it done.

My friend Ashley and I are going to set up a booth at a local craft fair next weekend, so I'm going to go through my earring inventory, maybe make some more, and sew a bunch of easy cat toys (maybe braid a few fleece/t-shirt ropes for dog toys).

I feel fantastic right now :)

Whew.

Nov. 6th, 2014 04:22 pm
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I FINISHED THE FIRST DRAFT! I'm calling it a first draft because the rough draft was very, very rough. I rewrote huge chunks, reordered a bit, and turned it from a mess of scenes into a story.

I'm going to eat dinner, get the kids ready for bed, reread it and work synonym magic, then send it off to my beta (who I hope doesn't mind that I'm so late--if so, an intense beta hunt will be on!) and my artist.

My only major worry now is tense. I rewrote it in past tense, the draft was half past, half present, and I wonder if it would sound better in present tense. Thinky thoughts.

On this editing process: my life and insecurities made it difficult to focus. I'm glad I printed it off and rewrote it from the paper, instead of reskimming the same Google Doc file over and over, but it took a lot of time and effort to work through the mess of my rough draft.

Oh hell yes. Editing it after it's beta read will be a breeze compared to what I just wrangled. Whew.

Life is good.
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My sinuses are on the fritz and my period is starting, but I feel better? I'll take it.

Maybe it was all the progress I made on various projects yesterday, maybe it was getting to bed on time, maybe it was the gorgeous pink sunrise this morning, muted by fog, or the tickle fight with my boys, but whatever it was, I'm going to embrace this feeling and run with it (literally, if it warms up and doesn't rain. Might as well use the jogging stroller before Jack outgrows it, let Trent zoom around on his big wheel and burn off his energy).

I've got this.
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New meds + me = rough couple months. TW: depression. )

I'm behind on everything. I'm going to distract Jack with a pile of toys in the floor, write, and sew when I need a break from writing. I'm taking the day off from life and taking care of my frustration the good old fashioned way, yay creative outlets!